I haven’t written in a couple of days. I think the reason is that, simply, I don’t have anything to say. I’m sort of “dry”. I’m struggling, not spiritually, but… spiritually. I’m not steeped in sin and estranged from God. Hardly. I love God with all my heart. And He loves me with all of His.
I’m struggling to see the direction He is leading me. I am struggling to see the direction He is leading US – my wife and I. We been going to the same church for 10 months (after being at another church for 15 years), and we haven’t made one new friend. Not one (Except the pastor, who is a wonderful man who has helped me personally a great deal). It seems as though everyone is busy living their own lives. I understand.
I owe this pastor a great deal. He has helped me immensely after leaving my previous church and dealing with all the baggage that went along with it. I will forever be in his debt. He has helped me journey into the welcoming, ever-open arms of God’s love. He has helped me see that the Kingdom of God is unshakeable. I owe him… big-time.
However, neither Sharon nor I feel connected to the church. We come in, sit down, worship, shake hands with those around us, listen to a great sermon (always), and leave. We even come back during the week and are a part of a small group. Yet, there’s no connection.
“We were made to wait, to long for things unseen. This is the place from which dreams and desires come.” — Jeff Goins, The In-Between
I think that’s where we are: in-between. But in this place of waiting… of being “in-between”, a place of trust, Mr. Goins says, I find it difficult to dream or to desire. Instead, I am tempted to despair. He says it’s a place of change and the change happens in you and me as we wait. That is true. I am not the man I was 10 months ago. My outlook is fundamentally different. I am a child of God, in whom Christ dwells, and I reside in the unshakeable Kingdom of God. 10 months ago, I couldn’t say that. My theology has changed, too.
I no longer am striving, trying to be “good” enough so that God will look at me, hear me, or show his love to me. I no longer believe that I have to do something to be accepted by God. After all, I didn’t do anything for God to accept me to begin with. I have changed.
So, here I am. I am longing. Dreaming. Desiring. Waiting… in-between.